walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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