I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I believe in your delicious
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
