So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
