I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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