Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
