On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
