worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
