Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
