Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
