Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
