I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
