Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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