I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
