He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
