True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
