WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
