I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
People in love make me want to vomit
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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