how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
