I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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