The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
