he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
