Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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