Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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