this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
