I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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