there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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