WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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