I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
