One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
