You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
