Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
