I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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