is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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