Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
