there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
