You smell like stripper and shame
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
