im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
FUCK WHALES
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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