Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
