I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
