There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
