oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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