My room smells like vodka and shame
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
