I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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