I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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