Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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