ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Welp...herpes.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
