I faked an abortion last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
