Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
