they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
