My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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