So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
